Monday, October 1, 2012

from the book: rules for drinking.

Drinking: cooks drink, and I let them, they all get the same warning, “you get drunk, and I remove your balls with a dull steak knife”. If I go to the cooler and notice that corona is low, I 86 it in the dining room, my cooks are as important as you, and I will have cold beer for them no matter what. I have a few stipulations when I take a chef job, pay me on time, let me run the kitchen, and I get 2 beers at 7pm every night. Bring me Heineken and I go home. (even if im on fire, and you wanna use Heineken to put out the fire, id rather burn than have that crap anywhere near me) A stressed uptight cranky chef is gonna ruin your day (we’re cranky, we work 70 hrs a week, make shit money and are blamed for everything. no one gets us except other chefs) on the other hand a slightly buzzed, loose chef that can really get involved in running his crew while having a lil fun with the guests, is best. 

YOU on the other hand, need a set of rules for drinking in a bar or restaurant.

#1 cash bar tip is at least a dollar a drink, (bartenders remember 3 kinds of people A: their regulars, B: people they detest, and C: people who stiffed them)  amazing how long you wait for a cocktail when your bartender remembers your last shitty tip.
#2 if you are drunk, go home!
#3 don’t ever touch my servers, flirt and smile, but be respectful. Chances are her boyfriend is my 6’4” grill cook that outweighs you by 40 lbs with not an ounce of fat. His free time he spends fighting in the octagon for the UFC. Keep your damn hands to yourself. I can take apart a carcass in 20 minutes but I’ve never had to put one back together before, so mind your manners.
#4 pace yourself at an open bar, its not a race. You wouldn’t want to pass out, miss the wedding, and wake up with no eyebrows and “douchebag bestman” written on your forehead in sharpie
#5 buy the chef or your bartender a drink, amazing how far that goes.
#6 NEVER and I mean NEVER ask for a buy-back, this is a drink the bartender buys for you because he thinks you deserve it, (you’ve had a couple and tipped decently) if they thought you did, it would be in front of you
#7 if the bartender is your friend, try not to cost them their job by asking for free stuff. It’s my stuff to give not theirs. If I catch them I will ban you and fire them. Over a $6 beer, doesn’t really seem worth it.
#8 this ain’t the damn swap meet or a yard sale, there is no bartering. The prices are on the menu, that’s what we charge to stay open.
#9 ask someone before you buy them a drink “hey, can I buy you a drink?” its simple, what’s not simple is having an ice cold beer set in front of you after 3 months of sobriety, and deciding not to drink it.  
#10 order your drink regular, asking for no ice or ice on the side is cheap. (unless you are Canadian, they rarely drink anything with ice) You think you are getting a stronger drink. NEWSFLASH YOU"RE NOT!  it’s the same 2oz of booze but now the rest is all juice and a very weak drink. Soda too, my pops always orders ice on the side, “they put too much” he says. “pop” I say “all that soda isn’t good for your diabetes”… “its diet” he says….  “oh ok, you wanna trade high blood sugar for a liver and kidneys that resemble old wallaby from all of the saccharin and aspartame?” awesome pops!
#11 if you order a Jager bomb or a long island iced tea, it’s a BIG FAT RED FLAG, you might as well tattoo “asspipe” on your forehead, because that’s what we think. Worse yet is asking my barkeep or myself what you should drink, “uh, what is really good?”, if you don’t know what you drink, you get a Heineken, and your tab.     

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