Drinking: cooks drink, and I let
them, they all get the same warning, “you get drunk, and I remove your balls
with a dull steak knife”. If I go to the cooler and notice that corona is low,
I 86 it in the dining room, my cooks are as important as you, and I will have
cold beer for them no matter what. I have a few stipulations when I take a chef
job, pay me on time, let me run the kitchen, and I get 2 beers at 7pm every
night. Bring me Heineken and I go home. (even if im on fire, and you
wanna use Heineken to put out the fire, id rather burn than have that crap
anywhere near me) A stressed uptight cranky chef is gonna ruin your day (we’re
cranky, we work 70 hrs a week, make shit money and are blamed for everything. no
one gets us except other chefs) on the other hand a slightly buzzed, loose chef
that can really get involved in running his crew while having a lil fun with
the guests, is best.
YOU on the other hand, need a set
of rules for drinking in a bar or restaurant.
#1 cash bar tip is at least a
dollar a drink, (bartenders remember 3 kinds of people A: their regulars, B:
people they detest, and C: people who stiffed them) amazing how long you wait for a cocktail when
your bartender remembers your last shitty tip.
#2 if you are drunk, go home!
#3 don’t ever touch my servers,
flirt and smile, but be respectful. Chances are her boyfriend is my 6’4” grill
cook that outweighs you by 40 lbs with not an ounce of fat. His free time he
spends fighting in the octagon for the UFC. Keep your damn hands to yourself. I
can take apart a carcass in 20 minutes but I’ve never had to put one back
together before, so mind your manners.
#4 pace yourself at an open bar,
its not a race. You wouldn’t want to pass out, miss the wedding, and wake up
with no eyebrows and “douchebag bestman” written on your forehead in sharpie
#5 buy the chef or your bartender
a drink, amazing how far that goes.
#6 NEVER and I mean NEVER ask for
a buy-back, this is a drink the bartender buys for you because he thinks you
deserve it, (you’ve had a couple and tipped decently) if they thought you did, it
would be in front of you
#7 if the bartender is your
friend, try not to cost them their job by asking for free stuff. It’s my stuff
to give not theirs. If I catch them I will ban you and fire them. Over a $6
beer, doesn’t really seem worth it.
#8 this ain’t the damn swap meet
or a yard sale, there is no bartering. The prices are on the menu, that’s what
we charge to stay open.
#9 ask someone before you buy
them a drink “hey, can I buy you a drink?” its simple, what’s not simple is
having an ice cold beer set in front of you after 3 months of sobriety, and
deciding not to drink it.
#10 order your drink regular,
asking for no ice or ice on the side is cheap. (unless you are Canadian, they
rarely drink anything with ice) You think you are getting a stronger drink. NEWSFLASH YOU"RE NOT! it’s the same 2oz of booze but now
the rest is all juice and a very weak drink. Soda too, my pops always orders
ice on the side, “they put too much” he says. “pop” I say “all that soda isn’t
good for your diabetes”… “its diet” he says….
“oh ok, you wanna trade high blood sugar for a liver and kidneys that
resemble old wallaby from all of the saccharin and aspartame?” awesome pops!
#11 if you order a Jager bomb or
a long island iced tea, it’s a BIG FAT RED FLAG, you might as well tattoo
“asspipe” on your forehead, because that’s what we think. Worse yet is asking
my barkeep or myself what you should drink, “uh, what is really good?”, if you
don’t know what you drink, you get a Heineken, and your tab.
